What a week it's been!
Well, I turned 29...
Birthdays have always been a favorite. I don't think I'm a very self centered person, but I love a day to celebrate me. Hehe 😇
But after 24, birthdays have become more of a..."Wow I'm getting old..." kind of thing. Given, I still like the attention and feeling special. My parents have made it a tradition to wake me up with singing and cake in bed for as long as I can remember.
This year, though, they happened to walk into my bedroom to a snoring Austin who had just gotten off shift. Singing loudly with a lit candle, my parents were confused to find my side of the bed empty.
I was out on my morning walk. But I laughed to myself when my Ring alerted me that they had shown up and walked inside, because I knew exactly what was happening.
In past years, Austin would have gotten the day of and the day after my birthday off. We would have gone for breakfast and mimosas, then most likely bar hopped all day with friends. Of course ending the night by ubering home and me complaining that I'm old.
This year, I spent the day looking at paint swatches for the house, scrolling on Pinterest for baby room ideas, and comparing backsplash prices for our kitchen and bathrooms. No rounds of Dos XX chuggies, dance floor wobbling, or drunkenly telling everyone that it's my birthday and to buy me a shot.
I talked about this a little on my Instagram, but I'll share my thoughts here, too.
I've heard that people go through a phase of mourning when they are pregnant. Both parents sometimes do. They realize that who they once were is now no longer. They begin to miss the simple things like being out and about as they pleased, and being able to be spontaneous.
Which I understand.
Austin and I lived a life of freedom. We had lazy days where we would only get out of bed to get snacks. We ventured off randomly to a different city for the weekend just to get away. There were the 9pm gas station stops to get White Claws and order pizza for a night in. And of course, there were nights out with friends and family. We traveled to different countries and spent time being adventurous.
There is so much that we have experienced in our almost 6 year relationship. Things I always wanted to do before welcoming kids into the mix. Beyond that, I wanted Austin and I to enjoy our 1:1 time together.
So when I think about it all, sure I'll miss the freedom days of doing what we wanted and when - but there is this tug in my heart that is pulling me towards craving our family. I look forward to baby coos and knowing the different cries. I understand that I'll be an anxious hot mess, but I'm excited to learn and answer all of the questions that randomly pop up in my head.
How will I manage my time?
Will I ever sleep again?
Am I confident enough to do this when Austin is at work?
Will my hair fall out?
Is working from home with a newborn possible?
Will changing poopy diapers be the death of me because I'm a child?
No matter what, I welcome the challenges. Call me crazy, but I even look forward to experiencing all of the leaky boob things that mommy bloggers talk about. "Is that a baby crying?! Well there goes my milk..."
I've decided that, sure, I'll miss who Karlie was. But I love the Karlie I'm becoming. Stress, anxiety, fear of the unknown and all. This Karlie is going to be a momma.
With pregnancy comes lots of continued changes...
Like this belly. I'm honestly obsessed with it. I think back to past blogs and was so excited for it to happen. Well...the belly is here!
It feels like me, but it also doesn't feel like me. You know? Like I know it's MY body, but it's also Greyson.
I've come a long way...from really disliking my body to learning to love it. All thanks to this pregnancy.
Now, I can't speak for every female. But what I can say for myself is...self image is hard. My relationship with food hasn't always been ideal. I have a very obsessive personality, so my focus was always on what I ate and how I looked. I was too thick. Then I'd lose weight and I was too thin. I carried weight in the wrong places. This, that and the other...I struggled to ever be happy.
I was around women who, in my opinion, had perfect bodies. So when they'd complain about themselves, I couldn't help but look at myself and think the worst. It's how my brain played tricks on me. I let one single negative thought in and it would snowball.
I'd catch myself staring at my naked body in front of the mirror. Secretly weighing myself when I'd get around a scale...I say secretly because those close to me knew it wasn't a healthy obsession. I worked out and did yoga endlessly, but picked myself apart daily. It was sad. And exhausting.
And a mental battle.
So yes, I still struggle some days. But the other day, I was eating with my mom and I was telling her how hungry I am all of the time. She smiled at me and said "I'm so happy to see your relationship with food has become positive during your pregnancy." And it hit me. It has become positive. Peanut has actually helped me.
Not only that, but he has helped me love my body extra because it's home to him. And I'm (learning to be) okay with the numbers on the scale, as well as the extra ME (and Peanut) I see in the mirror. The love handles can personally kick rocks, but I guess that comes with the territory. I no longer deprive myself because that means I'm depriving Peanut. And I'm a lot kinder to myself in my mind, because I know that my body is going through a lot.
Being pregnant isn't easy. It's beautiful and amazing, but it is in no way shape or form a simple walk in the park.
I don't hate it. I actually love being pregnant, even on the harder days. Especially right now, when Greysons kicks are getting stronger and I can actually feel him with me throughout the day. I guess skipping out on the sickness / vomiting has been a real big help. It'll be interesting to see how baby #2 treats me!
But like I said, this belly makes me so freaking proud. My Peanut has already accomplished so much in his short little fetus life. He continues to grow stronger each day. He does make me hormonal and I've had my fair share of good cries and bad, but he's made me such a happier and healthier person in general. Mentally and physically. He's helped me love me.
To wrap things up...
The journey continues. And as it continues, I keep learning more and more about myself. And Austin is learning with us, too. He loves recognizing the changes and listening to me explain what pregnancy feels like. He tells Greyson "Happy almost birthday" every Saturday when it's the start of a new pregnancy week, and he gets a gentle feel of the bump whenever I brush past him.
My sister in law sent me some registry recommendations recently, and I want to share her thoughts. Shes a new mom and has the most fresh outlook on product must haves and don't buys.
Shall I share some of them in my next blog?
Let me know!
Until next time...
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